Dreaming.....

We are dreaming once again. We are dreaming of the day that comes and there are no more social workers and we can go home. I love going home. Right now, after being away our house needs some TLC and the yard needs some landscaping, but when I see it it is the way I will always see it. We dont have a big house. It isnt a new house, but I love the ranch style it is and having enough land to one day build on. Not a lot mind you. A craft room, Ham Radio room, Hot tub off our bedroom and even a play room that will grow with our child(ren) as time goes by. When I see it now. I see it at different times during the day. I see it really early in the morning, you know when the day is beginning to show light and the sun hasnt yet started its daily ascent into the heavens. I am waking up and out of my window in our back yard there is a mama deer and little ones quietly chewing on the leaves at the edge of the woods. Every once in awhile you will see the mama deer stop lift her head and quietly listen, listening for danger. They stay there eating until they decide they have had enough and back towards the back creek they run. The cows from our next door neighbors can be heard on the wind as it blows gently, and there I stand at the bedroom window amazed at what God has created. If it is time to get up and Matt to be off to work it is now time for my day to begin. If not and I just got up for nothing I would head back to bed. Later in the day and morning chores are done I head toward the back deck and look out towards the back and just soak up the peace and quiet and look at the green trees and blue sky and clouds all as clear and bright as can be outside my home. Sometimes I go out front and set on the steps and watch the road thru the trees and just take in the peace that comes. Yes, our road can get busy out there but far enough from the road it isnt noisy. Inside my house is cozy and warm it allows plenty of sun and I can open the windows and let the fresh air in. Even though, going to town means driving 20-30 minutes away I love it for it isnt so far away that it is a major ordeal but far enough away that I can enjoy the country (not so much anymore but still with 17 acres enough to make it so) and the city. All my friends are at home. They care about us in a way that my online friends cant do. They are there at a moments notice and I can be in turn. Our family is only 1.5-2 hours away and near enough that if need be can be there pretty quickly. Sometimes, I stay in town window shopping until Matt gets of work and I follow him home. It is usually getting dusky and you have to be careful and watch for bambi as you drive home so as not to hit him. Bambi loves crossing our roads at this time as they can blend in to the day and if going to fast hit them before you even see them. Then as you turn into our drive, it is covered over in trees like a canopy and go towards the house look again for you never know what is running across the drive. I love being home at night. The lights shining thru the windows and then after all is done taking a blanket laying it across the back deck and the two of us laying down and just gazing at the night sky full of stars and it is so pretty. It is like black velvet with small patches of white and it endless. This is the way it was. NOW, I dream of adding a german shepherd puppy, a large swingset, as Clay grows watching Matt and him choosing the perfect tree to build a Treehouse. Maybe if we ever have a little girl a play house in the perfect spot. In the house I can hear little feet running down the hallway screaming," Mommy, come see". Or chasing him down the hall saying the tickle monster is going to get you while he runs or crawls really fast laughing and getting to the end of the hall and just sitting there waiting on you only to try to craw really fast to avoid you as you get really near. All this and more is constantly running thru my head as things change where we are now. The leasing office dont listen when you complain cause the a/c isnt working right. The sounds at night when Matt is at work has changed. Our building is louder and people come and go and very few are the same. It is small and there is no room to put stuff. Everything has to stay locked up for fear someone will rob you blind or maybe they will ram you as they come thru the roads cause the speed limit signs are ignored and they dont watch. There is no quiet. You hear sirens and cars and trucks as plain as day thru the windows as they go along the highway and loud music playing in cars throughout the night. It is never dark enough to see the stars or what color the sky is. You smell smog instead of fresh air and I am homesick.

I don't know why I am writing this except it helps. We are praying so hard for a job that pays what we make here at home. We dont like wandering how much are they just not going to pay today and yet we have to stick it out till all post placements are done. Being told one thing and paying another. Yet, a job is needed for just a few more months here till it is all done and reporting what isnt right will just get you fired. I have learned that transportation industry no matter what aspect of it is all the same they tell you what you want to hear to get you hired then they do what they want, when they want and either take it or leave it. What I feel right now, I want to take our son home, I want him to be a little boy as long as he can and having room to run and play and have fun as children should do and even though I know what the first thing he is going to do is bring me a lizard to see I will be fine cause that is what boys do. I want him to grow up around cousins and family and know what that is. I want him to grow up loving God to the fullest and completely. I want him to grow up to be like his Daddy.

This is my prayer, to go home with our son completely 100% ours not having to be concerned with social workers. For Matt to have a good job where he is home with his son and I every night, But mostly just to make thru this time until we can go home!!! Tonight, I am homesick!!!!!!!!! Please, be praying.